ICE Receives Anonymous Tip About Canadian Immigrant Working Illegally in the NBA Finals
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — In a potential seismic shift for Game 7 of the NBA Finals, sources confirm that ICE received an anonymous tip this morning from a man in a trench coat behind St. Elmo’s Steakhouse regarding a “suspicious Canadian national illegally working in the NBA Finals.”
The source, described only as “a tall man with a patchy beard, wearing a trench coat, and limping slightly” allegedly told agents that the individual in question, Oklahoma City Thunder guard Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, “might be working in America illegally... and also stealing meaningful playoff minutes from hard-working blue-collar American boys like Alex Caruso.”
ICE agents, who initially thought the tip was a prank, reportedly became interested when the man grew agitated, saying, “This so-called "Shai", which you might want to look into, because he might be Iranian, is literally taking free throws away from beloved American Jalen Williams. He just flails around violently like a fish on American soil and the refs hand him freebies at the free throw line.”
One agent noted the tipster seemed oddly well informed about the Thunder’s offensive sets and rotations. “He kept calling SGA a ‘threat to ratings integrity’ and muttered something about how 'real Hoosiers pass first,’” the agent said. “He handed us a hard drive of questionable foul calls against the Pacers star point guard and then vanished into the alley fog.”
The informant also allegedly accused Gilgeous-Alexander of "recklessly throwing his body into God fearing American defenders just trying to do their jobs" and speculated that “there’s no way those Eurosteps are within the spirit of the Constitution.”
When asked whether Haliburton might be the anonymous source, Pacers officials said only, “Tyrese has been focusing on the Finals, recovering from injury, spending his nights with social media influencers, and, to our knowledge, has not been lurking behind seafood establishments offering tips to federal authorities.”
Game 7 is still scheduled to proceed on Sunday night, pending ICE’s detainment of SGA and a brief vacation to El Salvador.
