Indiana Fever Sign Gertrud Schlaghammer to Bolster Their Defenses

Written By Drew Forbes

The Indiana Fever have officially signed Gertrud Schlaghammer, a 6'8" former Olympic Greco Roman wrestling silver medalist and ex-German special forces operative best known for her role in Operation Quiet Fist that eradicated an invasive species of bears from the Alps without weapons.

Schlaghammer, 39, has not played organized basketball since middle school.

Known in international combat sports circles as "Esel-Halsschlag" (“Donkey throat puncher”), Schlaghammer isn't expected to get many minutes until Clark is hard fouled. Then the plan is for her to not leave the court until she's ejected.

“She doesn’t speak much English,” said Caitlin Clark, while removing an ice pack from her eye. “But when we first met she told me ‘No one touch you now tiny sexy bird lady.’ I cried.”

Schlaghammer will make her debut Thursday night against the Valkyries, assuming their players show up.

Drew Forbes

Drew was raised by his 3 dads on an Emu farm in Humboldt, Iowa. He has an irrational fear of cockroaches, and seafood restaurants that leave some of the skin on the fish they serve. In August, 2019 Drew blacked out drinking bourbon Manhattans, and when he woke up the next morning this website had been created. Drew doesn’t have a beard, but if he decided to grow one it would easily become the most interesting thing about him. When he grows up some day, he wants to die.

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