Antonio Brown Wanted in Connection with Attempted Rap Album in Miami

MIAMI — Authorities in Miami-Dade County have issued a warrant for the arrest of former NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown on a charge of felony attempted production of a rap album, according to documents reviewed by The Sports Memery.

The warrant, signed Wednesday, alleges that Brown commandeered a soundboard with plans to release two unsolicited “sneak peek” tracks into the digital ether. Tracks that, according to investigators, absolutely no one on Earth requested. A witness described the audio assault as causing “significant auditory distress,” adding that one particular ad lib “may have grazed his appreciation for the art of hip hop and the concept of music itself.”

Brown now faces a Class B felony charge requiring a $10,000 bond, payable to a local Miami music education program, and, if located, a court appointed lyrical mentor, and a court ordered spanking by every member of Wu Tang.

The alleged album, which Brown claims he’s been “cooking up in the lab,” is tentatively titled CTE: Crank That EAR. The project reportedly contains 12 unreleased tracks, described by police as “incomplete, incoherent, and cruel to the concept of rhythm itself.” Officials are urging the public not to listen, stream, or acknowledge the project until a full audio investigation can be completed, in hopes it can be destroyed before it inspires any other athletes to pursue a career in music.

According to sources, investigators wore riot gear while listening to the album, which allegedly features a number of guest appearances, including Ye Ye, a yet to be identified 7 foot yellow bird AB apparently pulled off the streets, and perhaps most disturbingly... Kid Rock.

Brown, 36, who last played in the NFL in 2021, has not responded publicly to the latest charges. His legal representation currently consists of a series of cryptic Twitter posts featuring failed rhyme schemes and unsolicited nude photos, which Brown insists “prove his innocence.”

The Cultural Crimes Unit was alerted shortly before midnight following multiple reports of an unauthorized release. An off duty music blogger working security at the studio told investigators he heard Brown engaging in what he called “a flagrant misuse of an 808” and “an attempt to rhyme ‘thicc’ with ‘thick.’” Witnesses with access to the leaked files identified Brown as the lead artist. Authorities later recovered several corrupted hard drives, a heavily used rhyming dictionary, and, unfortunately, no discernible hit.

Brown, who has spent years evading both his prime years in the NFL and law enforcement, reportedly fled the scene before SWAT arrived. He left behind a handwritten tracklist, a heavily used rhyming dictionary, several empty boxes of wine coolers, and a aggressively worn pair of Trump sneakers.

“At one point,” Detective Sandoval said grimly, “he rhymed ‘Chanel’ with ‘NFL’... seven times. In one verse. Then he just kept repeating, ‘AB back, AB eatin snack’ for what we can only assume is the chorus of this abomination.”

The attempted album charge adds to a growing list of artistic crimes for the former Pro Bowler, including prior accusations of lyrical negligence, studio fee evasion, and physical and emotional violence against both women and Tom Brady.

Brown, who has filed for bankruptcy, has previously attributed his artistic decisions to possible chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), a degenerative brain disease linked to repeated exposure to his own playback.

“In a way, we can’t even blame the poor guy,” Sandoval said. “He’s his own biggest fan. Over 900,000 of the listens on his last album came from him. That’s enough mental punishment to break any man.”

Brown’s attorney, who is apparently a purple hued vampire with thick eyebrows and a talent for numbers, claimed the project was protected “artistic expression” and cited the numbers “1, 2, and 3” as a defense against the charges. The judge has since issued a restraining order barring Brown from all recording studios, microphones, and proximity to DJ Khaled.

Brown won a Super Bowl with the Buccaneers in 2020, catching a touchdown pass from Tom Brady. His NFL career ended in 2021 after he dramatically exited a game mid-play, shirtless and jogging off the field, presumably believing he was destined for greater things.

In the end, Antonio Brown’s greatest crime might simply be his unshakable belief in his ability to thrive off the football field.