MLB Issues Formal Apology For Being The Only Sport On TV
NEW YORK – Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred, with tears welling in his eyes, issued a formal, hour long apology to the nation for the league's current status as the only major American sport on television.
“No one is more bummed about this than us, Major League Baseball,” Manfred told a group of reporters Monday, his voice cracking. “On behalf of every owner, player, and umpire, we are profoundly sorry for this unfortunate monopoly on your evenings. Frankly, it’s a burden we never asked to carry.”
“We’re not 100% sure what we’re going to watch for the next month and a half either, and for that, we are very sorry,” Manfred continued, dabbing his eyes.
“But… it’s not so bad, is it?” he asked, with an unconvincing, high-pitched laugh. “I mean, we’ve got guys like Ohtani, right? The Asian Babe Ruth? Come on, that dude is worth a watch, right? And Aaron Judge… Man, that guy can really swing a bat, huh? And then there’s… well, the other ones…"
He then announced a new league wide initiative, "MLB: We Won't Distract You," aimed at making the viewing experience as unobtrusive as possible for the modern fan.
"We get it. The game can be… a bit tiring... But does that have to be a bad thing?" Manfred said ramping up his voice to generate excitement. "Put us on a Sunday and get blackout drunk and tell me that isn't the best couch nap you've had in years. I dare you." You could hear sporadic coughs from the press break the silence as he gathered himself.
"That's why we're officially leaning into our role as background entertainment. We’re great to just set and forget. Put us on while you surf your phones! Ever try just putting on a game and catching up on TikTok? I promise we won’t bother you during your scrolling. We've instructed our broadcast partners to keep their commentary very quiet, and to focus on wide, pastoral shots of the outfield grass, which we're told is very soothing. I'll bet your lawn looked like that."
Suddenly, a wave of frustration seemed to wash over the Commissioner. He slammed his hand on the podium, startling the assembled press.
“We didn’t ask for this, OK?” he boomed, his voice now filled with a defiant anger. “The NBA season definitely starts too early. That’s not our fault. All I’m asking is that you… well, give us a try! Maybe just once before you're bailed out by a preseason game."
He then outlined a "Fan Forbearance" plan, which includes a 'Mute the Announcers' button on the MLB.tv app and a promise that for every game that goes into extra innings, the league will donate to a charity that promotes "more exciting things to do in the fall."
To conclude the surreal address, Manfred played a hastily edited hype video on the screen behind him, featuring slow-motion footage of a grounds crew member chalking the foul lines, set to a piano score. As the video ended, the screen simply read: "MLB: We're Here Still, Turn Us On Please."
The league office later released a statement confirming that all 30 teams will now feature "quiet zones" in their stadiums for fans who want to attend a game and have a beer without the risk of seeing an actual baseball.
