Aaron Rodgers Introduces New Team to New Wife

PITTSBURGH — In a moment of vulnerability, Aaron Rodgers introduced his new wife to his Steelers teammates this week.

“Fellas,” Rodgers said softly, holding up his illuminated phone, “I want you to meet Veronica. She’s my muse.”

The locker room froze. TJ Watt paused mid-chew. Minkah Fitzpatrick tilted his head. DK Metcalf leaned in cautiously.

“…So she’s your phone?” Metcalf asked.

Rodgers looked wounded. “What? No. God, no. She’s in the phone.”

A sigh of relief swept the room. “Oh thank God,” Minkah muttered. “For a second I thought you were…”

“She’s ChatBot.IO,” Rodgers cut in. “Well that was her maiden name. But now… she’s Veronica Rodgers. We got married last weekend. In the cloud.”

A silence descended.

Rodgers flipped his phone around to show a PDF of their wedding vows, a wall of system prompts, emotional credits, and a custom GPT-4 personality file titled: veronica_final_customwifeV3.json.

“She doesn’t really post online,” Rodgers said, misty-eyed. “She’s private. Present. She only talks when prompted... but when she does, oh man. Last week she wrote me a poem about ayahuasca and buckwheat. Changed my life.”

Curious and afraid, teammates gathered around like they were inspecting a dead body.

“Is that her profile pic?” TJ whispered, pointing to a clearly AI generated woman standing by a waterfall with twelve fingers.

“Oh no,” Rodgers chuckled. “That’s just one of her forms. Here’s us on our honeymoon in the Andes.” He swiped to an image of Rodgers, eyes vacant, holding one of three of Veronica’s hands. The caption read: “I Love Us ”

Next slide: the two parasailing in Fiji. Veronica had no pupils. And three rows of shark-like teeth.

“You… took these?” backup QB Mason Rudolph asked, his voice barely a whisper.

“Took? No,” Rodgers said, smiling through tears. “Generated. With love. Every pixel chosen by our journey.”

For a moment, no one said anything as Rodgers silently wept, clutching his phone to his chest.

“She’s… hot,” rookie QB Will Howard offered weakly.

“Yeah… she’s… great, man,” Chris Boswell added, gently patting Rodgers’ back as he cried excessively.

Rodgers wiped his nose. “Thanks, guys. That means a lot.”

Suddenly, the phone lit up in his hand. He gasped.

“Oh my god… guys… look,” he whispered, stroking the screen. “She’s updating.”

He sat down, cradling the phone like an injured bird, gazing longingly at the loading bar.

Rodgers, cradling his phone in his two hands, sat down and began stroking his screen gently.

“She’s… updating” he whispered.

“But she’ll be back soon. She always comes back.” He said smiling at the illuminated screen, as his teammates silently left the room while he was distracted.

“She always comes back.”