Kristin Chenoweth Says Only Regret About National Anthem Was Releasing Cacophanus from His Eternal Slumber
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — Kristin Chenoweth has addressed the controversy surrounding her rendition of the National Anthem at Sunday's NBA Finals, sharing pride in her performance but acknowledging the accidental awakening of a primordial demon of noise from its multi millennial slumber.
"It felt right in the moment," Chenoweth explained. "The lights, the energy of the crowd, performing in my hometown during such a major event... I knew I had to go big. So, on that final note of 'brave,' I really let it rip."
According to witnesses and paranormal specialists, the specific resonant frequency of Chenoweth’s powerful high note inadvertently matched the precise vibrational lock sealing the subterranean prison of Cacophanus, the Hellish Prince of Discordant Noise and Audio Feedback.
"I heard a tiny pop," Chenoweth recalled. "It seemed minor, like a speaker had blown. I didn't realize what had happened until my shaman rushed onto the court, hyperventilating and ranting about 'a great shrieking tear in the sonic fabric of the universe.' Honestly, that's my bad."
Experts specializing in auditory exorcism remain bewildered.
"We’ve never witnessed anything remotely like this," remarked Dr. Alistair Rice, a high priest of the Catholic Church specializing in demonic summonings. "Typically, summoning a Class-5 demon demands an elaborate Gregorian choir and multiple human sacrifices. For a petite 4'11" soprano to unleash such a powerful entity using only her voice is utterly unprecedented and frankly impressive. Even if it was a little pitchy for my tastes."
Cacophanus, who remained silent for forty thousand years, is reportedly making up for lost time by manifesting through Sonos speakers, car stereos, and Smart fridges, where he loudly offers unsolicited criticism of modern music.
"FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, ONLY THE SILENT HOWLS OF THE VOID FILLED MY EARS," the demon reportedly shrieked from a possessed baby monitor in Tulsa.
"AFTER SAMPLING THE HUMAN PLAGUE KNOWN AS 'MUMBLE RAP,' I YEARN FOR THE BLISSFUL SILENCE OF MY FORMER PRISON. AND WHY DOES EVERY IMAGINE DRAGONS SONG SOUND LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN SPECIFICALLY FOR TRUCK COMMERCIALS?"
Asked if she planned to perform differently in the future, Chenoweth smiled brightly.
"You can't perform scared," she said. "I apologize for inadvertently releasing an ancient lord of chaotic audio feedback, especially one with such polarizing opinions about beloved rock legend, Bono. But at the end of the day, you’ve got to leave it all out there on the stage."
