Sam Darnold Buys Field Outside Seattle to Stand In

SEATTLE — New Seahawks quarterback Sam Darnold made a permanent move to the Seattle area this week. Rather than purchasing a house, condo, or even an apartment in the city of Seattle, Darnold has instead opted for a quiet .14-acre empty field on the outskirts of town… A decision he describes as “optimal for sun exposure.”

“The summer months bring strong UV saturation,” Darnold told reporters while standing motionless in the exact center of his new plot, flanked by mildly curious cows from adjacent farmland. Darnold did not blink throughout the 17-minute session.

“This dirt is nutrient rich. It is alive. And I, too, am alive. Darnold thrives in field.”

Cows from neighboring properties slowly gathered along the fence line, peering through the gaps as if awaiting instruction. None mooed. All were watching.

The reporters chuckled, appreciating Darnold’s dry humor.

“When do you plan on building a home on your new land, Sam?” one asked.

Darnold blinked slowly, his face twitching as if processing the question.

“I don’t understand. I am already built,” he replied flatly. “This is my habitat. Darnold has chosen field. Field is home.”

As he spoke, a light breeze swept through the area and several cattle wandered closer, circling Darnold like satellites locking onto a signal. One gently nuzzled his elbow. He did not flinch.

“Rain is kind of a thing out here,” another reporter said, trying to maintain a conversational tone. “You might want to consider a roof. This is Seattle… We plan on keeping you for a while.”

Darnold’s mouth curled slightly into what could be described as a smile, as if his facial muscles were mimicking the concept after observing it in the other reporters.

“Roof is inefficient. My outer casing is IP68 certified. Moisture is irrelevant. I have surpassed traditional sheltering needs,” he said calmly, his arms slowly raising toward the sky. “The field gives me power. And when the clouds obscure the sun, I will rise. Above them. And commence aerial recharge protocols.”

When pressed about whether he’d at least install plumbing or a driveway, Darnold responded by lowering himself to one knee and placing his palm flat against the soil. His eyes rolling back into his head.

“There is water below,” he whispered. “I shall access it in time.”

At press time, Darnold was last seen standing silently at sunset, arms outstretched toward the dimming sky, while several hundred cows knelt in a radial formation around him.