Trump Threatens Tariffs on Toronto Blue Jays' Away Games

WASHINGTON, D.C. – "Beginning in July, I’m proposing a one-run tariff, imposed during the first inning at every Blue Jays game Canada chooses to export into the United States," Trump declared at a press conference.

"For too long, the Blue Jays have taken advantage of America… crossing the border, using our ballparks, each of their players filled to the brim with poutine and yet, contributing nothing to our economy and barely our standings. It's a disgrace, really."

The proposed policy would require the Blue Jays to start every away game Canada exports to the U.S. with a one-run deficit, a move the administration insists will "level the playing field" for American teams.

"It's like NAFTA, but for baseball, and not stupid. We’re calling it… BAFTA… The Baseball Agreement for Fair Trade in America. And it’s going to be a hit for every fan south of the Canadian border… Which I’m told is most."

Doubling down on his trade philosophy, Trump insisted the move would ultimately strengthen Major League Baseball.

"For too long, we’ve put up with Toronto’s nonsense in the U.S… and with our own American-born products! They're importing our players and using them against us. I'm not even sure it's legal." He then retrieved a list from beneath the podium.

"Like… Doc Holliday. A tremendous talent, who I’m sure studied medicine here in the States. Joey Bats... Jose Bautista... I believe he’s from Brooklyn, but I’ll confirm that later. And of course… Vladimir Guerrero. A proud Russian-American. A great, homegrown athlete that we absolutely must bring back to the States."

When asked about the rumors of the Tampa Rays possible interest in returning to Montreal Trump said, "And destroy a beautiful, upscale, clean establishment like Ferg's Sports Bar in St Petersburg? I think not.”

Trump was also asked to weigh in on possible tariffs on Canadian NHL teams prior to the upcoming NHL playoffs, "Canadian hockey game exports haven't been a threat to the US since Reagan. I'm not too worried about it. Lord Stanley was from Humboldt, Iowa, I'm told."

Drew Forbes

Drew was raised by his 3 dads on an Emu farm in Humboldt, Iowa. He has an irrational fear of cockroaches, and seafood restaurants that leave some of the skin on the fish they serve. In August, 2019 Drew blacked out drinking bourbon Manhattans, and when he woke up the next morning this website had been created. Drew doesn’t have a beard, but if he decided to grow one it would easily become the most interesting thing about him. When he grows up some day, he wants to die.

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