Man Informs Satire Page They Went Too Far with Jelly Roll Joke
JACKSONVILLE – Staring into his phone screen, a single bead of sweat tracing a salty path down his temple, local man and longtime content consumer Dale Hodges, 48, reportedly took a deep, shuddering breath before composing a direct message that would forever alter the course of history for the once great, but now a step too far meme aggregator @TheSportsMemery.
"Been following you for a long time, man," the message began, a prelude to a sprawling, three-act manifesto of disillusionment, betrayal, and the perceived slander of a country-rap icon he doesn't even really listen to.
"I been with you through the Rob Ryan memes. The Sam Darnold saga. I was here, in the digital trenches, when every other post was Angel Reese," Hodges elaborated, his thumbs flying across the cracked screen of his iPhone 11.
"I have defended your honor in comment sections. I have shared your 'Gertrud' stories with my cousin Gary, who hates women's sports," he continued, the weight of his loyalty pressing down on him.
"I stood by, silent but steadfast, during that weird month you only posted about Dan Campbell. I didn't get it, but I respected the hustle. But this? This is a bridge too far."
The source of Hodge’s anguish was a one sentence Tweet, a joke about Jelly Roll fans, with a caption that also ripped into his second love: the Great Free State of Florida. For Hodges, this was tantamount to a public execution.
"I don't even like Jelly Roll," he lied, the falsehood a necessary sacrifice for the greater good.
"But he a good man. A good, honest family man. And he been through so much. So many trials and tribulations this man has faced, and he has passed every single test with the flying colors. And now I see some ungrateful, bootlicking, clout chasing hyenas want to make a mockery of this man's audience? For what? The fleeting validation of internet clicks? When," he paused, allowing the dramatic weight of his question to settle, "when will enough be enough for you? I seen how many clicks your Gertrud Schloghammer stories git ya. How many more clicks you need before you leave Jelly alone?"
Tears began to well in Hodges’ eyes as he laid out the immediate future, a roadmap of his own personal suffering and righteous labor.
"Now... Here's how the next 4 hours gonna go," he dictated, his tone shifting from sorrow to grim determination.
"I'm gonna attempt to work through this profound disgust and choke down the loaded 'Tater Totties' I just ordered from ma favorite tiddy chicken place, alongside two, maybe three, domestic light beers for lunch..."
"Then, I am going to my job. Yes, my job. I know that probably scares whatever 19-year-old edgelord runs this page, who acts like a 16-year-old, but is actually a 30-year-old burnout modding for r/Incels from the comfort of his mother’s basement." He leaned back, satisfied with the devastating full house of recycled internet slams.
"When I get done using these calloused hands to make the world a tangibly better place, I expect this little Jelly Roll bump in the road we find ourselves working through to be paved over and forgotten. This blatant disrespect must be rectified. An apology to his fans, the salt of the earth, would be a good start. Even though," he added, hitting send, "I ain't never actually heard a full song of his in my life."
At press time, the admin for @TheSportsMemery had reportedly replied with a simple "" emoji, an act sources confirm has sent Hodges into a new, even more eloquent spiral of righteous indignation.
