Bill Belichick asks UNC QB if he can call him 'Tom'
CHAPEL HILL, N.C. - University of North Carolina coach Bill Belichick in his inaugural meeting with the team reportedly leveled a peculiar request at his starting quarterback, Gio Lopez: that he henceforth be called “Tom.”
“It’s just a nickname I’ve assigned to Gio, something I’m more comfortable with,” Belichick told a bewildered group of reporters, his voice a low monotone that seemed to absorb all the ambient sound in the room.
“We’re focused on building a consistent and predictable winner here. The name ‘Tom’ has a proven track record. We don’t need to go into further detail. This is a matter between Tom and I, and subsequently, the courts of North Carolina once he submits the paperwork to legally adopt his new, assigned name.”
Lopez, a redshirt sophomore, appeared surprisingly receptive to the unorthodox request from his legendary new coach.
“I’m just so excited to work with Coach Belichick, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes to be successful,” Lopez said, a nervous energy in his voice. “If that means I change the name my mother gave me at birth to win a conference title, then that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. It’s about the team.”
The quarterback went on to detail other "suggestions" from his new mentor, which seem to extend beyond a simple name change.
“He’s been suggesting some other changes as well, that I’m sure will make me a better quarterback," Lopez explained.
"He told me I should grow out my hair a bit, feather it a little more. He said I should start dating supermodels to get my confidence up. He suggested I cut out meats and dairy from my diet, to thin out my face and give my cheekbones a sharper edge. He even gave me a gift card to a local Botox clinic to ‘prevent facial tells’ and ‘minimize excessive emotional displays’ when I talk. Bill’s a lot nicer than most people give him credit for.”
Belichick, when pressed for further comment, offered a chillingly calm and murderous stare of determination.
“Gio is a great guy, but he can be greater. He will be greater. That all starts with him becoming Tom,” Belichick stated, his gaze unwavering.
“Tom is very genuine, he’s got a great personality, a kind heart, and he’s unique. And once I destroy all those things about him he’ll be a blank slate that I can mold. That’s when he’ll truly become my apprentice. Only then can he know the true power of my teachings.”
The university has yet to issue an official statement on the matter, though sources inside the athletic department describe a palpable mixture of awe and terror.
