A Noticeably Larger Rob Ryan Tells Reporters, “Rex is No More” After Camping Trip Tragedy

“Rex is no more. I am the Ryan now.”

That was the only statement Rob Ryan offered as he lumbered into Tuesday’s press conference, noticeably fatter, radiating an almost gravitational force of power.

The transformation was impossible to ignore. His hair was longer and fuller. His cheeks were flush with unnatural color. The whites of his eyes glowed like bleached bone. His gut quivered beneath a stretched T-shirt, as if it housed two sets of organs now.

The last anyone saw of the Ryan brothers was in early March, when they vanished into the boundary waters along the Minnesota-Canada border for their annual fishing trip.

But then the storms came. First rain. Then wind. Then something else.

All contact ceased. Satellite phones fell silent. Wildlife bolted from the forest in frantic herds. Rangers reported a creeping stillness overtaking the land. “Even the bugs stopped buzzing,” one recalled. “Like the trees were holding their breath.”

Weeks passed. And then, from the shadowed timberline, a figure emerged. Barefoot. Blood-caked. Dragging an entire moose behind him like it was a duffel bag with no weapons anywhere in the vicinity to slay the beast. He did not blink. He did not stumble. When approached by rescue personnel, he only whispered:

“It's done.”

Pressed by reporters on what happened in the woods, Rob simply said:

“Rex is no more. I am the Ryan now.”

He offered nothing further... just cryptic mutterings about a shaman who, on the day of their birth, declared: “Two shall enter this world, but only one may leave the pines.”

At the campsite, investigators found no bodies. Only charred ground, torn tarps, broken rods, and a clearing of felled trees arranged in a perfect radial pattern... as if something vast had landed… or erupted.

No Rex. No remains. No struggle. Just emptiness.

“I’m not here to mourn,” Rob told the press. “We were twins. We were coaches. But in nature, when two apex predators are confined to one dying biome, only one can evolve.”

He paused licking his lips, and added:

“Two 300-pound Ryan brothers entered the woods. One 600-pound Ryan returned. With the knowledge. With the strength. With the legacy of them both. Let us speak no more of this. Rex is no more. I am the Ryan now.”