Jay Cutler Steps Down as Pope After Finding Out He’d Have to Do “Tons of Pope Stuff”
VATICAN CITY — Jay Cutler has officially stepped down as Pope less than 72 minutes after being named the supreme pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church. Sources say Cutler discovered “there’s tons of Pope stuff” involved in the job, and decided against it.
“I thought it was more of a vibes gig,” Cutler mumbled at a hastily organized press conference, still wearing papal robes and smoking a heater under a "No Smoking" sign in the Vatican. “No one said anything about Mass schedules, or being up at 6 a.m. for prayer.”
The Vatican had used an unconventional strategy in naming Cutler as Pope, hoping his stoic demeanor and famously indifferent leadership style would appeal to disillusioned younger Catholics.
“We saw how Cutler led the Bears offense for years with a sort of divine indifference,” said one cardinal. “We thought, 'that’s the energy the Church needs right now. A pope that gives zero fucks. We clearly underestimated how little fucks this Pope would give.'”
The honeymoon period ended swiftly when Cutler was told to do something within the first few hours of becoming Pope, and reportedly replied "Nah."
“They hit me with the Eucharist schedule on Day 1,” Cutler recounted, taking a long drag from a cigarette. “I said, ‘Do I look like a guy who plans things?’”
“Somebody also told me I’d have to kiss a baby every Sunday. I kissed, reluctantly, my own babies a few times. I've never kissed weirdo babies I never met or that don't got my genes. I’m not about to start now just because I run the Catholic Church.”
