Astronomer CEO’s Wife Uncovers ‘Coldplay Merch Dungeon’ in Family Home

PALO ALTO—Federal agents descended upon a quiet neighborhood Thursday, clad in full hazmat suits to secure what experts are calling “the most significant cache of Coldplay merch ever discovered outside a Coldplay concert.”

The scene of the raid was the home of disgraced Astronomer CEO Andy Byron, whose life publicly imploded after he was filmed experiencing a moment of genuine emotional vulnerability during a live performance of “Viva la Vida.”

Federal agents, typically reserved for handling "Jelly Roll related merch raids at trailer parks", formed a perimeter around the property.

Onlookers watched in horrified silence as investigators carefully removed artifacts from the subterranean “Coldplay Dungeon” discovered by Byron’s wife, Meagan. Each item, from a faded 2002 “A Rush of Blood to the Head” tour shirt to a laminated backstage pass from the Mylo Xyloto era, was placed in a triple-sealed biohazard container before being loaded onto an armored truck.

“The level of premeditation is chilling,” said FBI Agent Marcus Thorne. “We found listening schedules, mood charts correlating specific albums to days of the week, and a truly disturbing amount of memorabilia post-dating the acceptable 2009 Coldplay Cutoff. We’re talking about a man who knew what he was doing was wrong, and did it anyway. Repeatedly.”

The investigation has shocked the community, forcing residents to confront the possibility that the evil of adult contemporary rock walks among them.

“He borrowed my lawnmower once,” said next door neighbor Gary Lutz, clearly shaken. “He seemed so normal. To think that while I was edging my driveway, he was down there… listening to simplistic piano ballads. It’s a violation.”

Dr. Glass, a senior fellow at the Institute for Cringe Music warned that this could be the tip of the iceberg.

“For a man of Byron’s stature, this isn't a casual transgression... it’s a symptom of a deeper societal sickness,” Dr. Glass explained via satellite.

“It begins innocuously, you hear ‘Yellow’ at a coffee shop. You don’t change the station. Next thing you know, you’re defending the artistic merits of the Ghost Stories album on Reddit.”

The Palo Alto Police Department has officially deferred to federal authorities. “Frankly, we’re not equipped for this,” Police Chief Sarah Jenkins stated in a press conference.

“Our officers are trained for narcotics busts, not confronting a grown man’s love for vaguely uplifting choruses. We had to call in the people who deal with this on a national level.”

Late Thursday, agents made their most horrifying discovery yet: tucked away in a safe behind a poster of Chris Martin, they found a pristine, unopened vinyl copy of Music of the Spheres.

“It’s still in the shrink-wrap,” a pale-faced agent was overheard saying to his partner before puking. “My God. He was planning to keep it in its original case to sell it to other fans.”