Rodgers Says Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future All Agree He’s the Real Victim
During his weekly appearance on The Pat McAfee Show, Aaron Rodgers revealed that every December 24th, after ingesting what he described as a “strictly medicinal amount” of ayahuasca, he is visited by 3 supernatural entities.
Rodgers says the apparitions are “chill dudes” who walk him through his past, present, and future, ultimately confirming that he has been correct about everything at all times.
“It’s not like Scrooge where it’s scary,” Rodgers explained. “It’s more of a vibe check. They show up, we dap each other up, and then they basically run a PowerPoint on why I’m the victim in every situation I’ve ever been in. It’s extremely healing.”
The Ghost of Christmas Past: "It Was Everyone Else’s Fault"
According to Rodgers, the first spirit typically appears carrying an iPad loaded with old game film and selectively chosen text message screenshots.
“We really dig into the archives,” Rodgers said. “Last year we spent three hours on my past relationships. He showed me conclusively that I was actually too emotionally available, and that my communication skills were simply operating at a level no one else could understand. He made it very clear I couldn’t have done more.”
The session then reportedly shifted to Rodgers’ playoff history.
“He pulled up the 2014 NFC Championship Game,” Rodgers recalled, eyes closed in peaceful affirmation. “He paused the film and said, ‘Look at that aura, Aaron. You’re vibrating at a frequency I’ve never seen. You were spiritually locked in. The universe conspired against the defense.’ It was powerful to have a supernatural being confirm it was absolutely everyone else’s fault.”
The Ghost of Christmas Present: "You’re Doing Great"
The second spirit focuses on current events... specifically, how they are being unfairly interpreted by people who lack Rodgers’ intellect.
“The Ghost of Christmas Present is really just there to remind me the media is actively trying to destroy me,” Rodgers said. “He takes me through the Steelers locker room and explains that any locker room tension has nothing to do with things I said on podcasts about them. It’s actually because I’ve been so right about everything, and that makes them uncomfortable.”
Rodgers added that this spirit usually brings him an avocado smoothie, reassures him that his medical research surpasses that of licensed physicians, and confirms that his body remains free of the 5G toxins currently flowing through “most people’s veins.”
The Ghost of Christmas Future: "They Still Don’t Get You & They All Died"
The final visitor, Rodgers explained, offers a glimpse of what lies ahead.
“Scrooge sees his own grave, which honestly sounds like a media scare tactic,” Rodgers scoffed. “When I look into the future, I’m the only one left because I didn’t let poisons into my body. Humanity’s final moments are filled with regret as they realize my YouTube research could’ve saved them.”
Rodgers says statues are erected in his honor shortly before civilization collapses.
When asked if the Ghost showed him winning another Super Bowl with the Steelers, Rodgers was evasive.
“He showed me something better than a Super Bowl,” Rodgers said. “He showed me my next wife. She’s incredibly loyal. Awesome. Way better than the bummer the Ghost of Christmas Present kept trying to bore me with. The Spirit told me, ‘Aaron, your future is whatever you manifest. Accountability is a construct for people with lower energy. Stay the course, my dude.’”
Rodgers concluded the interview by saying he wakes up on Christmas morning feeling “fully immunized against criticism.” He then opens his windows, yells at a nearby child to fetch the leanest, most organic turkey available, and helicopters to Mike McCarthy’s house to eat it in front of him, as is the true spirit of Christmas.
