US & Russia Agree to Settle Ukraine Dispute with Shirtless Homoerotic Boxing Match Between Two Glistening Fighters from Each Country

Shirtless, heavily lubricated, muscle bound, and determined to prevent a nuclear Holocaust — The US and Russia have agreed to settle the Ukraine Dispute with a heated homoerotic boxing match reminiscent of Rocky v. Drago.

“President Putin and I have been in close communication, and while we disagree on many things, we're both huge fans of the action sequences in the Rocky films.” Said president Joe Biden on Thursday. “That's why it was decided today that this Ukrainian dispute would be settled via an epic battle between two ripped shirtless men that Putin and I agree will be lathered in various oils of each country's choosing. The rules of this fight will be the same as they were in Rocky 4. No blocking allowed from either fighter, no shirts (obviously), each fighter will wear tiny bedazzled shorts that barely cover their balls, and the montages leading up to the fights will be aired on each country’s Tik Toks. I for one am looking forward to watching proudly as our chosen US fighter punches various meats in a warehouse to the soundtrack of Imagine Dragons.”

“For decades the US and Russia have settled disputes using diplomacy inspired by the plotlines from 80’s action films. This dispute will be no different.” Said war criminal and Dalph Lundgren's biggest fan, Vladimir Putin. “When the US threatened to cripple us financially, I didn't even flinch. When they mentioned Rocky Balboa, we immediately came to the table to negotiate. The US and Russia may not always see eye to eye, but what binds us is the energy we get from shirtless sweaty men fighting in a sexual waltz to the tune of synthesizers. I'm glad the whole world finally agrees about something.”