With uncertainty swirling regarding his future with the franchise, Kirk Cousins this week expressed his commitment towards remaining a Minnesota Vikings Cap liability for the rest of his career.

“I’m focused on the Bears on Sunday, and as far as I know the direct deposits are still hitting my bank account from my current deal, so win or lose I think I’m going to be alright. I certainly want to be a Minnesota Viking cap liability for the rest of my career. I’ll do anything to help the Minnesota Vikings pay me my next contract. Anything. You name it, I’ll do it.” Said Kirk Cousins renewing his loyalty towards getting paid by the franchise that last paid him.

Over the years quarterbacks like Tom Brady have taken team friendly deals to help their GM bring in more talent around them to ensure their success. Kirk Cousins has bravely rejected that premise, opting instead for the scapegoat of always having a bad supporting cast that his fans can blame for his inability to win games.

“I call it the Kirk cycle, and I’ve found it works beautifully in fracturing fanbases when it comes to the debate on whether or not I’m actually good.” Said Kirk Cousins regarding his future with the Vikings, and the importance of allocating 20% of the overall salary cap towards one player on a 53 man roster.

“By always taking a max contract, I can always ensure the max amount of excuses for why we can’t make the postseason. That way, I can focus on managing my individual numbers and a TD:INT ratio rather than having to worry about our W:L ratio. It’s amazing how much easier things get once you let go of trivial concerns like winning games. This is a team sport after all. I’m just one man on a roster of 53, and although I make as much as 11 of my teammates, I still expect to only receive 1/53rd of the blame when we come up short. That’s the Kirk Cycle that I hope to continue in Minnesota until I retire.”